Unexpected Shift
by Renconteur
Summary: "I never thought this would happen. I always knew there was an off chance something could happen, but not like this." Grab your tissues. Final Chapter is up! Thanks a bundle to Milk.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Not ever story has a happy ending. This is my one-shot showing that. I'd say 'enjoy,' but that wouldn't be in good taste. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

I never thought this would happen. I always knew there was an off chance something could happen, but not like this. We had eight amazing years together, and now I'm standing here at a gravesite, watching as they lower the love of my life in the ground.

I haven't cried so much in my life. I feel like someone has ripped the very soul from my body. I only have a dull ache now in the pit of my stomach for her loss, and the pain that my son is going through.

She gave me one of the most important gifts to me: our son. Everytime I look in Liam's beautiful eyes, I see her. He's only two, and he'll never know his mother. He'll never know the strength she took with her everyday. He'll never know her laugh like I did. He'll never know how happy she was when she found out we were pregnant. I wanted her to have our children because she's that classic beauty, and I couldn't think of another person on earth that would make a better mother.

He has her soft disposition and her hot headedness... well, both of ours some would say.

He cries for her at night. He doesn't understand why his mother will never come back. I can't let him out of my site as he clings to me in bed, just as he is now. My shoulder is wet with drool because he's cried himself to sleep. My heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for me.

Now at her grave, to my left sits her mother, and mine on my right. They've been so helpful with the baby, and he adores them both.

I don't know how her mother is holding it together. I honestly don't. I can barely keep it together for our son, much less if that would have been him.

Now, I have to do this. I have to keep this all together for him - for us.

How did we get here? How did this happen? Let me try and give you some details.

How we met.

Ten years earlier...

* * *

_"Detectives, this is our new ADA, Alexandra Cabot. Ms Cabot, these are the detectives you'll be working with." Captain Cragen motioned to each person in his squad. "Detectives Munch, Tutuola, Stabler and Benson."_

_Alex shook their hand and focused on Olivia. She tried not to focus too long on the brunette, but she couldn't help it. _

_What she didn't know was that the brunette was giving her the equal amount of admiration._

_"Its very nice to meet you all, and I hope we'll all work well together."_

_The male detectives mumbled and walked away, something about paperwork that wouldn't do itself. _

_"Tough crowd." Alex told Cragen_

_"Yeah, they don't like lawyers," he joked._

_"Well, they just don't like change. You know - creatures of habit. Don't worry, I'm the hardest one you'll have to win over," Olivia smiled._

_Alex caught the joke, and chuckled. She looked into Olivia's eyes and gave her a smile as she trailed behind Cragen to his office, and Olivia back at her desk._

_Olivia watched Alex as she disappeared around the corner. She chuckled to herself as she went back to her paperwork._

* * *

The early days were dicy. We knocked heads because we were too stubborn for our own good, and neither one of us wanted to make the first move. She said she fell for me the first time she saw me, but I had to say the feeling was mutual.

Finally a close friend of ours told us to get our head out of our asses and just fuck it out already.

Well, we didn't do it in that order. We dated for about two months before we ever slept in the same bed. I think we were a little scared of each other. Scared in the sense that if we had sex, we'd fall too hard and the other wouldn't feel the same way. Well, that made it even more difficult.

* * *

_"You know, Alex, I think we need to talk," Olivia said as she and Alex ate dinner._

_The blonde put her fork down and looked intently at Olivia. "What's wrong?"_

_The brunette sighed and tried to gather her words. "I don't know how much longer I can do this... us."_

_"What? Olivia -"_

_"I don't know how much longer I can go kissing you, or you kissing me, without touching you ... you touching me..."_

_Olivia looked away as she trailed off. _

_Alex smiled and pulled Olivia to her by her shirt collar. She kissed her girlfriend soundly and pulled away. She looked into the smoldering brown eyes and whispered. "Take me to your bed and make love to me."_

_The brunette swallowed hard. "You sure?"_

_"Perhaps that kiss didn't make my point." _

_Alex held Olivia's eyes and she took the brunette's hand and dipped it below her panties. Both women gasped upon contact. _

_"This is how I am everytime we're together. So, please take me to your bed and make love to me," she said as she rolled her hips against Olivia's hand._

* * *

After our night of lovemaking, we knew that we were going to be in it for the long haul. So, she thought it would be a great idea to start meeting the parents. We thought a dinner would be a great idea. We were both so nervous, we couldn't eat. We fought like animals and then calmed down when we knew we'd need each other.

I know what you're asking: did your mothers know of your sexuality? My answer would be yes. We told our mothers when we were together a month. We wanted to make sure it wasn't just a fling. Looking back, we both knew it wasn't a casual relationship. People we've dated in the past have gotten in our bed faster and out the door before the bed, or surface, had a chance to cool down.

So, two and a half months in; we played 'meet the parents.'

* * *

_"Olivia, calm down," Alex soothed._

_"Alex, I've never introduced my mother to anyone since her student, and she already knew him. This... I don't do this," Olivia breathed out._

_"I'm right here. I'm right here holding your hand the whole time. It will be fine. I already know my mother will love you." Alex assured. _

_"You're scared out of your mind," Olivia chuckled. _

_"Damn right." Alex laughed along with Olivia and took a healthy gulp of wine while they waited at the restaurant's bar, where they were meeting their mothers._

_"Shit. She's here." Olivia said as she got up from her barstool. She smoothed out her dress and gave one last look at Alex. "I'll be right back."_

_"I'll come with you." Alex said as she got up and finished off her wine. Olivia gave her a 'really?' expression._

_"What? Your mother is a recovering alcoholic, I'm not. I'm not going to let $45 a glass go to waste." _

_Olivia laughed and kissed Alex's forehead. _

_Alex smiled, "They can seat us. Mother can just come meet us at the table."_

_"Okay." Olivia said as Alex mirrored the actions Olivia did with her dress. _

_The blonde grabbed Olivia's hand and gave it a light squeeze. "Let's go."_

_"Mom," Olivia said as they approached Serena Benson._

_"Hi, darling. How are you?" Serena said as she hugged her daughter. _

_"I'm great." Olivia turned to Alex and brought her forward. "This is Alex. Alex, my mother, Serena Benson."_

_"Its so great to meet you, Ms. Benson." Alex smiled as she shook Olivia's mother's hand._

_"Please, call me Serena. Ms. Benson is my mother, rest her soul." Serena smiled. _

_"Well, our table is ready," Olivia said as the maitre'd nodded._

_"Alex, where is your mother? I thought she was coming." The older Benson asked._

_"She should be here any minute. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to call and see what the hold up... Oh wait, there she is," Alex spotted before they moved to their table._

_"I'm so sorry I'm late. The FDR was backed up coming downtown," Alex's mother said._

_"Mom, this is Olivia and her mother Serena Benson." Alex motioned._

_"Wow, you are a beauty, Olivia. I see why my daughter is so taken with you. I'm Liza," the older Cabot said as she extended her hand._

_Olivia shakily extended hers and shook the woman's hand firmly. "Its very nice to meet you, Mrs. Cabot." _

_"Liv, mom is like your mom, call her Liza," Alex laughed. _

_"My apologies," Olivia blushed. _

_Liza laughed. "Don't worry, Olivia. I'm not as stuck up as Alex."_

_"Mother!" Alex admonished._

_Serena laughed. "I have a feeling tonight won't be boring."_

_"No, Serena. My Alex can be quite the party starter."_

_"This night is going to be the longest night our our lives, Liv. You up for it?" Alex asked, clearly getting annoyed with her mother._

_Olivia chuckled as she took Alex's hand. "Shall we go to the table? They were just taking us there before you walked in , Liza." Olivia said. _

_"Yes! Lets go. I'm starved." Liza Cabot chimed in._

_"Yep, Alex is your daughter."_

_Liza, Serena and Olivia laughed while Alex made a mock sour face._

* * *

We had an amazing evening. Our mothers got along well, and it couldn't have gone any better. They were so supportive of us in our relationship. Anything we planned to do: move in together, talk about our future, take advantage of New York's marriage laws. We decided to start by leaving the apartment we lived in together and moved to our dream home in Chelsea. We found a beautiful brownstone that was fit for our family we were going to grow.

We got pregnant with Liam five years after our wedding in Connecticut, and she was so beautiful as she carried him those nine months. The doctor didn't like the stress of her job on the baby. We told him both our jobs were equally stressful. Stressful "discussions" happened in a station house and the courthouse. Bullets have been known to fly in the station house and on the courthouse steps. We both work at both places, so it was inevitable. We may not have been in the same division anymore, but we crossed each other's paths quite a bit. Family Court and Special Victims had a tendency to do that time-to-time.

Then he was born. He had the bluest eyes, but the doctor was quick to tell us they could change. He was born bald. I used to laugh and call him an old man. He was so wrinkled and squishable. We spoiled him. I'm not even going to lie about that. He's the light of our lives.

The day he took his first steps, we were both actually home for once.

* * *

_"Alex! Come quick! He's standing again!" Olivia yelled excitedly from the living room._

_"I'm coming!" Alex said as she ran from the bathroom with a towel around herself and dripping hair she had - luckily - just rinsed and was about to get out anyway._

_Liam was getting so strong, and at ten months old, he'd been trying to walk and today looked like the day._

_"Come on buddy, walk to momma." Olivia said in her sweetest voice. _

_Liam gave her a toothy grin... all four of them. _

_"Ugh, he's so handsome." Alex said to Olivia as she squatted behind her. "Come on. Walk to us."_

_The little boy let go of the couch with his left hand and wobbled a bit. Alex went to catch him, but Olivia saw him steady himself and stopped her._

_"He's got it." Olivia said sweetly. "Come on, buddy."_

_"Come see Mom," Alex said with a smile of pride._

_Liam took his first step towards his mothers that were about a foot away. And then another. And on the third step, he fell forward and Olivia caught him._

_"Good job, man!" Olivia said as she and Alex laughed. The brunette mother kissed his chubby cheek and the blonde kissed the other. _

_"That's our big boy. You grew up too fast." Alex said as she rubbed her son's head. _

_"Think we can figure out a way to keep him little?" Olivia asked only half serious as the little boy cuddled to her chest. _

_Alex laughed and kissed her wife. "I wish we could, my love. I'm going to go get dressed. Don't let him walk unless I'm in here."_

_Olivia laughed. "I'll try."_

They celebrated their son's new milestone by making him walk more. They kicked themselves for not grabbing the video camera for the first steps, but they had hours of footage that would soon be edited down.

* * *

Since the day Liam was born we took less risks with our jobs. We couldn't imagine what would happen if one of us were taken from one another. How he would grow up not knowing how incredible of a life we had. Well, that day came. The day I saw a bullet enter the love of my life and the very breath leave her body.

_"No, Olivia, you're not going," Alex yelled. _

_"Alex, you don't have a choice... I don't have a choice. No one does." Olivia tried to reason with her._

_"What about Liam? Does he have one?" It was a last-resort card, but she pulled it anyway._

_"Alex, that's not fair."_

_"No, its not, but its not fair to him. We made a promise that we wouldn't put ourselves in danger like this."_

_Olivia pulled Alex to her and held her close. "I'm sorry, baby. We have to go."_

_Tears that Alex hardly ever shed finally made their way down her cheeks. "Why?"_

_"Because it's my job, Alex. We've talked about this. One more year, and I move out and I'll be home, but right now, this is what I do. And I'm not leaving my partner out there on his own." _

_A whirl of bullets were flying as the NYPD took out one gunman after another. Then this is the area where things get sticky: Olivia and Fin were making their way behind the SWAT team in an abandoned warehouse, when the very breath left Olivia's body._

_She saw a glimpse of blonde hair that was fighting to get away from the man that held her from behind. _

_"Come in Detective Benson, we've been waiting for you."_

_"Let her go." Olivia's voice shook._

_Fin had his gun pulled, trying to get a shot without hitting Alex, but the man was holding her too close. _

_"Oh, I'll let her go when I get what I want."_

_"No. Those girls are already getting the help they need because of you. You'll never hurt another woman again." Olivia ground out. "Now let her go. This is between us, not her."_

_"You think just because she's your wife that I'm going to let her go?" The man ran his nose behind Alex's ear. Her eyes never left Olivia's, even when she felt the barrel of the gun push into her side harder._

_"Liv..." Alex croaked out._

_"Alex, it's going to be okay. You'll make it out." Olivia said in her calmest voice._

_Alex closed her eyes for a brief moment and opened them. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "I love you, Liv."_

_"Aww, isn't that sweet. Shut up!" The man yelled._

_"Tell Liam I love him," the blonde cried._

_"Alex, stop it," Olivia said as her emotions started to get the best of her. Her gun was getting heavier to hold up._

* * *

The funeral was beautiful. All of the ADA's office was there, as well as Special Victims. Elliot and his family showed up to give their support. We haven't seen or heard from him since the last time he was at the precinct. He barely said a word, but he didn't have to. All the year's we'd worked together, he said it all in the way he held me. Liam was now being held by his godmother, Connie Rubirosa, so that I was able to greet guests and thank them for coming. Elliot let me sob on his strong shoulder, while my mother and his wife comforted one another.

I've been able to sleep, with the help of her mother. She stayed with us so I could take something to get some sort or rest. I don't like pills, never have, but my doctor insisted. I'm no use to our little boy, or myself, with no rest.

Her mother left us this morning after I was awaken the best way I could be. I haven't smiled since she left us, but when you have a little boy who has the most beautiful smile, sweetest voice... and all boy that is rough and tough - you can't help but smile. Nothing like twenty-one pounds of limbs coming your way at seven in the morning.

Now I sit here with our little boy, eating the same breakfast that the three of us used to eat together. He's so beautiful and looks every part of her.

"Whens hers coming home?" Liam asked as he pushed around his sippy cup.

I don't even bother to make him stop. He knows he's not supposed to play with his cup, but I can't bring myself to make him stop. But, why me? Its getting harder to put on my bravest ace for him. "She's not, baby."

I see the tears immediately in his eyes again. I'm all cried out, for now, and he seems like he's not finished. "Why?"

I won't lie to him. "Because a bad man took her from us."

"Why did hims do that?"

For a two and a half year old, he had to be this smart?

"I don't know, baby. He was a bad man, but I don't want you to think of him, okay? He's gone. You hear me, Liam?"

I watch him as he tries to understand me. He nods.

I place my hand over his heart and it's beating harder than mine. "She lives right here. She's right here." I reach and take his hand. I place it on my heart. "You feel that, Liam?"

He nods.

"She lives in here with me too."

He's starting to cry; he's too young for this. I pull him to my lap. We're having breakfast, and that's always been against the rules. This... this isn't a time for rules. I think I need him more. As I watch him fumble with his Cheerios, picking each little ring up with his tiny fingers, I'm pulled back into a nightmare that reaches up and grabs me when I least expect it.

* * *

Alex was furious, but was scared out of her mind more, as she left the front doors of the precinct. She was going southwest towards her mother - in - law's apartment, where Liam stayed when she and Olivia were at work. She was pissed as hell and she was going to try and get Serena to make Olivia stop.

She made her way down 8th Avenue, towards West 16th Street. She and Olivia bought Serena a new apartment after the elder Benson's building caught on fire. There was no way Serena could have enough money from the insurance settlement and her retirement to buy another home. Alex, Olivia and Liza went over Alex and Olivia's portfolio and saw they had more than enough to help Serena get a new home. In the end, Liza felt the need to help out her daughter-in-law's mother.

They loved having Serena only seven blocks away. Ever since the woman went through rehab for alcoholism, she and Olivia had gotten close. Once, Olivia and Alex became serious, Serena and Olivia became closer.

Even Alex's mother became close with Serena. The women were inseparable and became the best of friends. They all made sure to support Serena in her recovery, and they all kept a dry house. It was important to the Benson/Cabot clan to keep their family healthy and safe.

Alex was a little ways from Serena's doorstep, when she felt someone run into her.

"Excuse me," Alex said. Her heart stopped when she felt a firm grip on her arm.

"Mrs. Benson, is it? I've been waiting for you." The man said.

"Let go of me." Alex seethed. She recognized the man that looked her in the eyes. She saw his photo not twenty minutes ago by Olivia's desk. She tried to jerk away, but felt the cold steel jab into her side.

"I wouldn't do that, or your little boy and the detective's mother will get it." he said looking at the car across the street from them. There was a man sitting there watching the house. "Now get into the car. Scream, and it'll be your last."

She was shoved into a black SUV and a bag was placed over her head.

When they reached the destination, she noticed she wasn't in Manhattan anymore. She didn't recognize the area she was now in, but hoped and prayed Olivia would find her. All she could think about was her family. Would she see them again? Would she hold her wife or son again? She prayed Serena and Liam were safe.

"We're going to wait here for your little wife to show up." He said.

"Why are you doing this? My son didn't do anything, neither did my mother-in-law."

"You're right. I just needed leverage, because I have no other cards to play." The man said.

"You know you'll never walk out of here alive," Alex said defiantly.

"Neither will you," he said.

A chill ran up her spine and then she was jerked back to the present at the sound of automatic weapons firing.

"She's here," He breathed in her ear. "Too bad I couldn't have my fun with you before. You know, to see what all the fuss is about."

"Don't you get enough from twelve year old girls?" Alex knew she shouldn't be baiting him, but sometimes she couldn't stop herself.

The gunfire stopped and an eerie silence settled amongst them, and Alex's blood ran cold when she saw a flash of an NYPD kevlar vest attached to her wife.

Their eyes met and she couldn't tear hers away from Olivia's. Olivia and the gunman had words amongst themselves, as she commanded Alex's release.

Alex's breathing was heavy, and she tried to steady it. She looked at Olivia as the room momentarily became quiet. Alex wanted to tell Olivia she loved her, but the burn in her side wouldn't let her speak. Olivia tried to reassure Alex she was going to be okay, but something in her gut told her she could be lying.

Finn noticed Olivia was faltering as her gun shook. He knew he had to take over the situation. Both women were brought back to reality when they heard the bellow of Finn's voice.

"Let her go, Northman!" Finn commanded at the gunman.

"Or what? You'll shoot me?"

John Northman: 43 year old male, caucasian, suspected of being the ringleader of child trafficking from Bulgaria to New York. Special Victims had been working with the FBI and United Nations on this ring and they finally had him in their sites.

Northman had held Alex tighter to his chest and Finn kept his eye on him. Olivia's heart was racing. She couldn't take her eyes off Alex and knew she had to figure something out.

Finn saw the man's arm go slack and Alex shifted left. A shot rang out and Olivia screamed as she went to Alex, who fell forward.

John Northman fell backwards at the same time, and Finn kicked the gun out of the way. He then made a brief check of the women.

Olivia held tight to Alex as tears streamed down her face.

"Oh god, Liv, I was so scared." Alex cried as she kissed Olivia's lips.

"It's okay now, baby. We're okay," Olivia said as she stood them up.

The women held tight to one another, saying that they loved one another over and over.

Finn secured the man's weapon and went to check to make sure their perpetrator was dead. When he reached down to check his pulse, John Northman came alive and kicked Finn's legs out from underneath him.

As Finn was caught off guard, he fell to his back, and their criminal reached for his right leg.

A shot rang out and Olivia and Alex's eyes went wide, before the other woman's eyes closed.

Another shot sounded as the side of John Northman's head was blown away by Finn.

"No! NO! Olivia!" Alex screamed as she went to the ground with her wife's limp body. She pulled her hand from behind Olivia's head, as it was covered in her wife's blood.

"Finn!" Alex's voice cracked as she screamed and cried. "No! NO! Olivia!"

Alex shook Olivia's bloodied body, as she cradled her close. "Come on baby, open your eyes. Stay with me, baby, stay with me."

"Alex," Finn started.

"Come on Olivia. Wake up, sweetheart." Alex cried harder and held Olivia's body closer.

"Alex," Finn tried again. "She's gone."

The end.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading. Thanks to Milk for the read through and 'fix this part with this' messages. **_


	2. Moving Forward

**So, this is the follow-up chapter. I know its hard to review dark material, but thank you to the ones who did. I forgot to give you guys a 'universe' explanation in the first chapter: Olivia and Alex's mothers are alive. I wanted to give Olivia a relationship with her mother. I wanted her to have some sort of happiness and also to let Alex have her mother. There was no mob hit or anything that took them apart. **

**Also, this chapter is a little lighter, and I hope you'll enjoy.**

**Thanks again to Milk for the read-throughs and suggestions. **

**I still own nothing. I'd love to hear your thoughts, but if reviewing isn't your thing - eh, didn't hurt to ask. **

* * *

Six months later...

It's been six months since Olivia's passing, and we're doing okay. It still feels pretty raw and I sometimes still have nightmares of her body falling limply in my arms, but we're moving forward. I left my job at the DA's office to stay home with Liam. He's already had one mother taken from him, and I can't let it happen a second time. We're privileged to not have to work, but I always wanted us to take some time off. Now, I'll take advantage of that.

Everything from Olivia will go to Liam. He will not have to worry about anything. They honored her with a medal of bravery. So, I took it and framed it above his bed. Her badge still sits on her side of the bed in a protective case. We have pictures of her everywhere.

Its not overkill, just pictures of her with Liam and me. I want him to see how much his Momma loved him.

Liam and I have gotten closer. We were always close, but he was partial to Olivia a little more. He wouldn't leave our bed for weeks after she passed. He slept on her pillow and wouldn't take off her NYPD t-shirt.

I was angry. I'm still angry.

I hated she went to that raid. I know it was her job and it was something she had to do, but I still feel like she didn't have to. She had one year left. *One* year and she was retired. Twenty-five years of service and she was out. We were going to buy a house in Montauk and just have a great time with Liam. I was leaving the DA's office and we were going to be a family of leisure.

Serena and my mother were going to come out and stay during the summer. We were going to have holidays out there. I couldn't wait for us to build a snowman in the front yard with Liam.

But now, now that monster took her away from us. Took my son's mother from him. A woman who embodied bravery and defiance against anything that would stop her.

She's my hero.

Its now just Liam and me. We have the greatest time together.

We go to art classes, because watching my now three year old power through a tub of water colors is an adventure, just make sure to get a lot of plastic covering. We have fun, but most of the paint gets on me, him and anyone who sits around us. Needless to say, he may not have a career in being a professional painter, but he gets an 'A' for effort. I mean, art is really up for interpretation. We just have to figure out how to get it on the canvas.

He still asks for Olivia. He knows she's not coming back, but he's a big Momma's boy. I see her more and more in him. Its crazy how genetics transfer. His mannerisms are like her's. He does his cocky grin when he's trying to get his way, and he knows he'll get it. He sleeps how she did: mouth slightly open, puckered lips, on his stomach, and arm under his pillow. I can't help but kiss him when he sleeps. He's such an angel. He has her stare. Its like he knows something is up, so he's going to study you and figure you out. That... that trait scares the hell out of me.

We're doing okay, though. I have to keep saying that over and over.

We spend a lot of time with my mother and Serena. Serena is over here everyday for at least an hour. She says its to give me a break, but I think it helps her. She regrets Olivia's childhood. She regrets not being there; the drunken nights, the abuse, she regrets it all. So, she wants to make that up to her by being there for Liam.

She reads to him everyday, and he's obsessed with her. He waits by the door when he knows she's on her way. We'll go to the bookstore and never leave with less than three new books. Liam will show them to her with excitement and she'll read them all to him. He rarely ever lets me read to him, but I love it when she comes over and pull out a classic: like Moby Dick or The Jungle Book. She has this deep gravelly voice, that is unlike Olivia's, but sometimes I'll lay on the full-size bed in Liam's room and listen to her read to him. Next thing I know, I'm being awaken by my sweetheart having to go to the potty. Yes, he's potty trained. Our child is brilliant, remember?

Most of the time though, she'll rock him to sleep and put him down for his nap. Then we'll talk and she'll tell me stories of when Olivia was younger. I've heard these stories before, but it sounds a little more heartbreaking coming from Serena. Olivia, I feel, tried to protect me from the horrors of her past, but Serena filled in the missing pieces. She still doesn't know how Olivia didn't turn out to be a criminal, because it had nothing to do with her.

Serena was, and still is, proud of her daughter and all her accomplishments. She mainly proud of the grandson she gave her.

I tell her Olivia wasn't angry anymore. She got help, and Olivia was happy to have her mom for the first time. They had a great relationship at the end. They were close and Olivia couldn't go a day without talking to her. It was great to see them have a relationship that a mother and daughter should.

When Olivia got pregnant with Liam, she had to tell her mother first. We went over to her apartment and showed Serena the results from the doctor, and the look on her face is a look I'll never forget.

_"Olivia, I'm so proud of you," Serena said as she pulled her daughter and daughter-in-law in for an embrace. _

_"We couldn't say anything right away, because the doctor advised against it, but its good now." Olivia said._

_"So you're okay? Everything's okay?" Serena asked, with motherly concern. _

_Olivia looked at Alex with love in her eyes. She placed her hand on her wife's leg and gave it a slight squeeze. Alex covered Olivia's hand and smiled back with same amount of love, if not more._

_"We're okay." Olivia said._

_"So, are you ready to be a grandmother in about six months?" Alex asked with glee. _

_Serena smiled and wiped a tear. "I'm very happy and excited. Have you told Liza?"_

_"No. We wanted you to be the first to know. We're going there for dinner tonight, you're more than welcome to come join us," Alex offered. _

_"I'd be honored." Serena smiled. _

We had a great night of celebrating at my mother's home on the Upper East Side, and I have to say my face was so sore from smiling the whole night.

Now, our little munchkin is getting so big. I swear he grows an inch a night. The donor was 6'6", so we knew he was going to be tall. He's so smart too and makes me so proud.

Today, we're celebrating Olivia's birthday. We're doing the same thing we did last year, except Olivia's squad is coming over to join us, as well as Liam's godmother, Connie Rubirosa. Cake will be the same. Last year Liam and I baked the cake and he decorated.

Olivia's face was priceless when she saw it.

_"What is this?" Olivia smiled as she walked into the dining room. There were two lit candles on her cake, with an endless amount of candy decorations. The best part was her little boy with a gummy bear in his hair; icing on the forehead, nose, and cheek, and her wife with her hair pulled back and just as covered with icing as her son. She laughed._

_"Happy Birthday, Momma," Alex said. "Liam decorated your cake."_

_Olivia picked up the little boy in one swift motion and kissed him all over his face. "Mmmm, I think I'd rather eat Liam than the cake!" She continued to kiss the little boy and Alex laughed as he screamed in laughter. _

_"No, Momma, you can't eat Liam," he barely got out._

_"I can't eat Liam? Why not?" Olivia asked. _

_"Cause I not cake." Liam giggled._

_"Hmmm," Olivia pretended to think. "What do you say, Mom? Want to come taste a little Liam?"_

_Alex pretended to think as well. Liam was bracing himself. "I think there is a little icing on a rather deliciously looking neck. Do you think I could try it?"_

_"I think you should." Olivia agreed seriously._

_Alex began to kiss Liam's neck as he squealed with laughter. _

_"How about we let momma blow out her candles?" Alex asked the giggling toddler. _

_"Yes," Liam said, as he caught his breath. _

_Alex kissed Olivia. "Happy Birthday, sweetheart. Make a wish."_

_Olivia kissed Liam's head as he laid on her shoulder, and kissed Alex on the lips. "I don't need to make a wish, I have everything I need right here."_

That night we celebrated with our parents and friends. We stumbled home late, and made love all night long. Liam was staying at Connie's, so we took full advantage of it.

Liam's now on a stool with me behind him. I got up early this morning to bake Olivia's cake again, and set it out to cool so it would be nice and ready to be decorated. Good thing I got up early, because as soon as those feet hit the floor, they were running.

I had to make him do his morning routine, and learning from last year - let the boy stay in his pajamas.

"Mom, I do it," he says to me. That's his favorite phrase these days: I do it. He's so independent, maybe too independent for his own good.

"Okay, do you want more sprinkles?" I ask him.

"Yes."

I grab the shaker and brace myself. Before he dumps the whole container of chocolate sprinkles in one area, I gently guide his hand without him knowing.

"How about the letters? You ready to write 'Happy Birthday'?"

"Yes."

"What do you want to say this year?"

"Happy Birthday!" He says with delight.

I feel the lump in my thought beginning to form and I'm so thankful he can't see my face. My voice begins to shake and I do my best to steady my voice that I know will have a quiver.

"O-Okay. Now remember, let mom do it and don't squeeze too hard." I tell him.

"Okay," He says softly.

Before we could put the first drop on the cake, there's a knock at the door. Dammit.

"Hang on, buddy. We need to answer the door. You want to see who it is?"

At his nod, I pick him up and take him to the door. I peek through the peephole and see its Connie. A sigh of relief hits me, thanking the universe that she's there early.

"Hi," I said as the door opened. I almost dropped my son as he bolted to her.

"Well, hello to you, too," Connie said as she caught him.

"Come in. Liam and I were about to finish up the birthday cake."

"You were," Connie said toward Liam.

"Yes, its for Momma's birthday," he said with conviction.

We got back to the counter and I lifted him back on the stepstool he was standing on before, and picked up the piping bag. I felt Connie's eyes on me and just shook my head without looking at her. She understood to not say anything.

There in front of us, we scripted out: Happy Birthday Momma. Connie let her godmother role kick in and started praising Liam. He smiled and she let him know it was time to get ready for the party and that I needed to get ready as well.

I gave him a tight squeeze from behind, and helped him down. As soon as he was out of site, Connie wrapped me in her arms.

"Its okay to be sad, Alex. We're all sad, you can be too." She whispers in my ear.

"I miss her," I say, trying not to break, but the tears escape beyond my control.

"Go get ready. Don't let Liam see you upset, because we'll never get him calmed down."

I nod and go to my room. I sit on the bed, and let the rest of the tears fall. I reach over and grab the photo she kept on her side of the bed. I love this picture. It was the day we brought Liam home and my mom took a picture of us as a family.

"Dammit, Olivia." I can't stop the words from escaping, but I'm still angry. I don't blame her, don't get me wrong, I blame the criminal.

I place the photo back on her bedside table and run my fingers along the protective case that holds her badge. I lift the clear lid and run my fingers along the gold shield. A sense of pride overtakes the anger, momentarily.

I am proud of her, but I'm finally feeling that I have the right to be angry. I don't want to turn to anything that will make me not be there for my son... our son.

I hear a knock at the door brings me from my state, and I vigorously wipe my eyes.

"Come in," I've not made a move to get dressed yet.

"Alexandra?" I hear my mother say softly. "Its your mother and Serena."

"Come in," I put on my bravest smile and motion them in.

"How are you holding up?" Serena asks.

"I won't lie and say I'm okay, because I'm not. But, Liam and you guys make it easier."

My mother and mother-in-law sit on either side of me. They both envelope me on either side.

"Its okay to be sad, Alex. She's your wife. But, it's also okay to celebrate her life. That's what we're here to do today." My mother, ever the sunny side of the street.

Serena guides my face to her and looks me in the eyes. "You, were her light. You, gave her everything I didn't. You, Alex, are the best thing that ever happened to her. She adored you. She once told me that you came into her life just in time. She was dealing with me, and my drinking. I was out of hand, but she told me she'd never let me see her again if I didn't stop. Then one day she told me about the first time she saw you. Now mind you, she was dating this guy from Brooklyn South and she broke up with him that day. She told me that she felt something instantly when she met you. She'd never felt it before."

At this point I can't hold it together. My mother pulls me closer from behind, and I hold Serena's hand.

"She never told me that," I say through the tears.

"She said she loved you the first time she saw you. She would have thought it was a just a crush, but she saw you look her over too."

I laugh with my mother and Serena.

"Alex never was subtle when it came to who she liked," My mother... God bless.

Serena continued. "She gave you a hard time, because she didn't want to get close and the signals she received from you weren't what she thought were real."

"Well, we gave each other an equal amount of hell." I can't help but laugh.

"Alex, it's okay to mourn Olivia. But, it's not okay to hold it all in. We've all cried. We've all mourned her, but you are always the picture of togetherness. Its the only way you'll heal. Remember her. Remember her laugh. Remember her bravery. Remember the day she said 'I do' to you at your parent's home in Connecticut, in front of your family and friends. Remember..." I see she's starting to lose her composure and out of nowhere, I hear my mother's voice.

She holds me tighter to her. "Remember when you guys first kissed. Remember the way she held you close. Remember the feeling you both felt when you found out about Liam. Remember, most of all, how much she loved you. She'll always be with you, Alex. Just look at your son, and you'll see her."

We sit in silence as we pay a private honor to Olivia. My mother and Serena hold me close and let me have my moment.

"Now, go get dressed, and we'll entertain. Then when you're ready, come downstairs and we'll celebrate my daughter's life." Serena said with her bravest smile.

"Okay," I force a smile. I pull her to me and embrace her tightly. "I love you," I tell her.

"I love you too, Alex. Thanks for making my daughter's life happy."

"Okay girls, we have a party to get to. I can tell there are more people downstairs that need to be entertained," my mother says.

Ten minutes later I come down to be greeted by our family and friends. I see Cragen, Finn, Munch, Nick and Amanda. Its actually great to see them. Finn finally stopped apologizing to me for her death, he blames himself. He shouldn't, I don't, and I know Olivia wouldn't.

A few friends from the DA's office have shown up, and my cousins from my mother's side, who accepted Olivia and Serena as their own.

Liam is playing with my cousin Mark's kids. He spots me and makes a beeline to me. I scoop him up and hold him tight.

"You ready for cake, munchkin?" I ask him.

He puts his hands on either side of my face and kisses me. "I love you, Mom."

No. No crying in public. This kid tells me he loves me all the time I can't keep up, but this one seems different.

"I love you too, baby. You want to put the candles on Momma's cake?"

He nods.

After the guest are greeted and Liam has unceremoniously put the candles on the cake, I gather everyone around.

"I just want to thank everyone for coming." I look around and see the people whose life she's touched. I hoist Liam a little higher on my hip as I continue. "Olivia was, and still is, a special person to all of us. She touched us in so many different ways. She helped so many people and brought so much light into our lives, that today: we no longer mourn her, but celebrate her. Celebrate the woman who touched our lives," I look at Liam, "changed our lives and gave life to this wonderful little boy." Liam lays his head on my shoulder. "We do this for him. We show him that his mother was someone great. Someone very special, not only to us, but the lives she's touched." I look over to Serena as she wipes a tear from her eye.

"There is a great quote Olivia's mother, Serena, has told me several times from the philosopher Kierkegaard: Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forward. So, lets raise our glasses to Olivia. Happy Birthday, sweetheart, we miss you."

"Here here!" The faces smiling back at me say.

We celebrate and laugh throughout the day. Lots of hugs. Lots of cake. Lots of remembering.

I'm thankful everyday for what I have. I'm thankful for the life that we shared and the wonderful gifts she left behind. The unexpected shifts in life can either kill you, or move you forward. I choose to move forward.

The guests are all gone and I have a little boy who needs a bath, because he's covered in cake, dried punch and other things I've given up on trying to figure out what it is.

We'll be okay. I'm going to close on the house in Long Island this week she loved, and we'll move out there this summer. I'll never sell this place. Olivia loved this house, but we'll make new memories that will last us a lifetime.

Fin... for real this time.


End file.
